I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
two words...techno handjob
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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