Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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