piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
