i just wanna soil my oats bro
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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