Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Randomize
