right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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