Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
