For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
