omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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