stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
