There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
