i permit you to call me
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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