It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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