Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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