The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
NoShamevember. You game?
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
