I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
