Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
