Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize