3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
