I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
