i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize