I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
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