There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
