last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Betty ford says i'm here all night
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
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