You're a womanizer and a bitch.
the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
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