i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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