I CAN MOONWALK!
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
