Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
