the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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