He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
