Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
