This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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