So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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