Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
As shirtless as possible
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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