I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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