what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
