I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize