Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize