i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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