i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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