I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
