Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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