She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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