fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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