Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Randomize
