There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I look better un-naked...
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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