I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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