I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize