I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
