I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
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