Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
