i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Randomize
