Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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