Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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