I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
