just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
You were trust falling into bushes
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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