she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
