Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I think I just sharted jello shots
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