I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
