I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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